Communicating about emotions is hard. We all have cultural prejudices and family background issues that make it hard to communicate about emotions in a healthy way. You might come from a family, like mine, that stuffs their feelings inside and won’t talk about it. You might come from a family where people fight about their feelings. Some cultures are relatively transparent with their feelings. Other cultures, like China, tend to hide their emotions. We tend to think of emotions as weakness. If we show that emotional weakness to others, they will use it against us or think less of us. We want to keep a strong face and pretend like nothing bothers us.
This creates a lot of problems for us, though. When we hide the way we are feeling from others it makes it very difficult to connect with them as people. We naturally don’t trust people we have no emotional connection with. While we do this to keep ourselves safe from getting hurt, it ends up making us isolated, alone and unhappy. We need good friends that we can be truly honest with in order to be emotionally healthy. Not only does talking about our emotions in a healthy way allow us to connect with others, it helps us understand ourselves and make better decisions.
Of course, we obviously should not tell everybody everything we feel. We all need a few safe people in our lives. These are people who we can talk to who will listen without criticizing us. These are people who care about us and will keep our secrets to themselves. Trust is a two-way road. Are you a safe person for others?
When we do tell others about what we are feeling it is helpful to use the Emotional Communication Process. When we communicate about emotions in an unhealthy way, it pushes people away. This process, however, helps us to share in a clear way about what we are feeling and why, without hurting people in the process.
The Emotional Communication Process
- Facts – What happened that triggered an emotional response in you? Tell it without the feelings. Just keep it to the facts.
- Feelings – How did this situation make you feel? Try to give words to your feelings and describe them. Don’t blame anyone for your feelings, though. Your feelings are yours. It should sound like “I felt angry and jealous”, not “You made me angry.”
- Response – What did you do in response to your feelings? It might not have been wise. It might have hurt people. Take responsibility for your actions and admit your mistakes
- Values – What do you really care about? Why did this situation affect you so deeply? Why does this matter so much to you? Did it make you feel unsafe, unloved, or not respected? What do you value that was endangered by this situation?
- Solutions – What could you do differently in the future to have a different response? What could others do differently to help you respond better? How could you help others? Seek win-win solutions that help everyone get what they value.
Using the Emotional Communication Process takes practice and great courage. Despite what we may have believed, this kind of communication is not weakness. It is incredible strength and leads to more productive work and happier lives.
Bring a friend and come join us for our Emotional Communication seminar! First, we’ll learn how to communicate about our emotions in a healthy way. Second, we’ll learn how to be the safe kind of people others can talk to about what they are feeling. If you use these skills you will be a more emotionally healthy person, more productive in your work, and a more effective co-worker, leader, spouse and parent.